Dave Bushong

Gang,

Shall we start a religion that is all about Morse?

We would get a whole lot better treatment than we do now, plus, we can
deduct our CW expenses.

Our hymns are monotonic. Only the tempo changes.

Sincerely, and may Marconi bless,

The Reverend Dave, KZ1O
High Priest
The Live Free or Die State
New Hampshire

Dear Reverend Dave,

I'm shocked that you haven't heard of one of the great religions of
Amateur Radio. Morsodism has been widely discussed here on rrap, but
you might be an ignorant newcomer here, so I'll fill you in.

So you want to be a Morsodist. It's not easy, you know: you'll have to
impose the stiffest constraints on your mind, accepting authority
without question -- you will be subject to jeers and persecutions at
the hands of the Spawn of NoCode, and you will suffer during your
entire lifetime trying to throw pearls before the swine. But in the
end, you will receive your reward from the Almighty in Heaven, and you
will have the satisfaction of seeing all others being tossed into the
Lake of Fire and QRM.

But enough of that; you're not there yet. You must first prove
yourself worthy of being a Morsodist.

Lesson One: Developing Your Psyche

Right now I would like you to relax. That's it -- just sit quietly and
let your mind go blank. Concentrate on one thing and one thing only:
concentrate on your thumb. Now that thumb is no ordinary
run-of-the-mill thumb: what you see is THE THUMB. That Thumb is your
world. Nothing besides that Thumb concerns you in the least. As far as
you are concerned, that Thumb rules over all. The only thing that
should be in your mind right now is your Thumb and its absolute
authority over your life. Each and every line, ridge, wrinkle, and bit
of cuticle is a Divine Mandate, eternal in its wisdom, power, and
relevance. That Thumb was made by MORSE, and its sole purpose is to
guide you to your Salvation.

Now, while still concentrating on that Thumb, begin to think about the
world around you. Careful! Don't try to take in everything at once:
start with the rest of your fingers, and slowly spread from there. See
how your fingers are connected with and dominated by your Thumb. Now,
slowly extend your perception to embrace your forfinger. It too was
created by Morse, and it is all guided by the Thumb. Between your
thumb and forefinger lie all the secrets of The Keys of Morse. The
rest of the universe is of no concern.

Lesson Two: Establishing Your Doctrine

Congratulations! You've come a long way, but you're not there yet.
What I want you to do now is to go to the nearest book store and
purchase a copy of the FCCRuleBook. Preferably, it should be bound in
nice, shiny black leather, and should have gilt edges and a red silk
ribbon. It should be fairly hefty in size, but not so large that you
cannot hold it with one hand. Finally, it should have the words of
Samuel in red letters, for as you know the Son of Morse only spoke
using red letters.

Now that you have yourFCCRuleBook, read it, and read it thoroughly. I
imagine that some of it will fit in perfectly with your beliefs and
morals, since you have been inspired by Maxim to attempt this
indoctrination into Morsodism. As you read, you must remember that
your beliefs are the ONLY right beliefs, and all others are falsehoods
and are totally incompatible with Morse Divine Truth.

Now you may be dismayed as you read through the FCCRuleBook to find
that much of it is outside your beliefs, or may even contradict them.
No problem! All you have to do is take a black marker pen and blot out
those paragraphs which you don't like. Simplicity itself! Now don't
you worry if it seems that more of the FCCRuleBook is blacked out than
left behind: just remind yourself that the remaining words are
emphasized all the more.

Lesson Three: Living a Morsodist Lifestyle

Well, I'm sure that you Novices are simply bursting with questions on
how to apply your new-found faith to your lives. I am pleased by your
enthusiasm: such zeal is a necessity if you want to begin to work your
influence on this filthy and sinful world and mold it into a clean and
upright one. Those Spawn of W5YI are simply itching to be preached at,
whether they want it or not, so let's get cracking.

First, obtain for thyself some sort of access to the internet
newsgroups, specifically any (and all) newsgroups in the
"rec.radio.amateur.*" lineage. Never mind that only one of them, the
"policy" group is fit for Morsodists like yourself; you must spread
the word ALL the heathen NoCodists. Crosspost like crazy, verily even
if attacked by Horrible Herman, the Lord High Newsgroup Purity
Defender.

As you preach the word of Morse to others, you will inevitably run
into those who not only doubt the veracity of your words, but who also
pose trick arguments inspired by Lenny Liberal and his henchman, Crazy
Charlie, the head Oracalist, in an attempt to trap and discredit you.
This lesson deals with some of the major swords wielded by various
tempters, and gives you some ideas on how to parry those weapons.

Technobabble scholars: these vermin use their high-falootin' technical
jargon and book-learning to pervert the words of the Morse and read
things into Part 97 which aren't there. The FCCRuleBook was written by
Morse for YOU to use, and contains EVERYTHING you need to know for
Salvation, plainly stated in black and white and red. There is nothing
magic or mystical about it: it speaks out in the Words of Morse and
speaks directly to YOU, as you have personally modified it to your
belief set.

If other Spawn of NoCode say that the FCCRuleBook cannot speak the
utter Truth because it is inconsistent in what it says, you can reply
that there is no inconsistency in your FCCRuleBook: everything that
you have in your FCCRuleBook perfectly supports your beliefs
(remember Lesson Two). If they quote passages from the FCCRuleBook
which they claim contradict your beliefs, you can reply that Oracle
has inspired them to pervert the words of Morse and to twist their
meaning around in order to try to subvert the Truth. If they say that
you are being totally ignorant and irrational in your absolute belief
in your Morsodist Doctrine, you can reply that they are being totally
ignorant and irrational in their absolute refusal to believe in your
Doctrine. And if they say that you are shutting your eyes to reality,
you can reply that they are shutting their eyes to Morse.

Peace to you!

Hans, K0HB
Lord High Liberator of the Blue Electric Smoke