"Mustafa" wrote in
news:hoCug.195051$Mn5.27135@pd7tw3no:

And what in hell has this got to do with selling ham gear? Maybe you
should think before you crosspost!


You must a be no-coder. Well, study these tips and you'll sell more ham
gear, because it will make you sound like you know what ham radio is.
Happy to help. Study, Study, Study:



"Slow Code" wrote in message
nk.net...
The 30 Steps below will help all New Hams, it will also help you to
find others just like yourself. These 30 steps should also be added to
the present writtens.


Step One: Use as many "Q" signals as possible. Yes, I know they were
invented solely for CW and are totally inappropriate for two meter FM,
but they are fun and entertaining. They keep people guessing as to what
you really meant. I.E. "I'm going to QSY to the phone." Can you really
change frequencies to the phone? QSL used to mean, "I am acknowledging
receipt", but now it appears to mean, "yes" or "OK". I guess I missed
it when the ARRL changed the meaning. It is also best to use "OK" and
"QSL" together. Redundancy is the better part of Lid-dom.

Step Two: Never laugh when you can say "HI HI". No one will ever know
you aren't a long time CW rag-chewer if you don't tell them. They'll
think you've been on since the days of Marconi.

Step Three: Utilize an alternative vocabulary. Use words like
"destinated" and "negatory". It's OK to make up your own words here.
I.E. "Yeah Tom, I "pheelbart zaphonix" occasionally myself."

Step Four: Always say "XX4XXX" (Insert your own call) "for I.D." As
mentioned in Step One, anything that creates redundancy is always
encouraged. That's why we have the Department of Redundancy Department.
(Please note that you can follow your call with "for identification
purposes" instead of "for I.D." While taking longer to say, it is worth
more "LID points".

Step Five: The better the copy on two meter FM, the more you should use
phonetics. Names should be especially used if they are short or common
ones. I.E. "My name is Al... Alpha Lima" or "Jack.. Juliet Alpha
Charlie Kilo." If at all possible use the less common HF phonetics
"A4SM... America, Number Four, Sugar Mexico." And for maximum "LID
points", make up unintelligible phonetics. "My name is Bob... Billibong
Oregano Bumperpool."

Step Six: Always give the calls of yourself and everyone who is (or has
been) in the group, whether they are still there or not. While this has
been unnecessary for years, it is still a great memory test. You may
also use "and the group" if you are an "old timer" or just have a bad
memory. Extra points for saying everyone's call and then clearing in a
silly way "K2PKK, Chow, Chow."

Step Seven: Whenever possible, use the wrong terminology. It keeps
people guessing. Use "modulation" when you mean "deviation", and
vice-versa.

Step Eight: If someone asks for a break, always finish your turn,
taking as long as possible before turning it over. Whenever possible,
pass it around a few times first. This will discourage the breaker, and
if it is an emergency, encourage him to switch to another repeater and
not bother you.

Step Nine: Always ask involved questions of the person who is trying to
sign out. Never let him get by with just a "yes" or "no" answer. Make
it a question that will take him a long time to answer.

Step Ten: The less you know on a subject, the more you should speculate
about it in the roundtable. Also the amount of time you spend on the
subject should be inversely proportionate to your knowledge of the
subject even though you have no damn clue.

Step Eleven: Always make sure you try to communicate with only a
handheld and a rubber duck antenna. Also, make sure you work through a
repeater that you can hear very well, but it cannot hear you. This will
put out a kind of "LID mating call": "Well, Joe, I can hear the
repeater just fine here. I wonder why it can't hear me?" You will score
maximum LID points if you are mobile, and with the radio lying in the
passenger seat.

Step Twelve: If you hear two amateurs start a conversation, wait until
they are twenty seconds into their contact, and then break in to make a
call, or better yet to use the auto-patch. Make sure you keep the
repeater tied up for at least three minutes. This way, once the two
have re-established contact, they won't even remember what they were
talking about.

Step Thirteen: You hear someone on the repeater giving directions to a
visiting amateur. Even if the directions are good, make sure you break
in with your own "alternate route but better way to get there" version.
This is most effective with several other "would-be LIDs", each giving
a different route. By the time the visiting amateur unscrambles all the
street names whizzing by in his mind, he should have moved out of the
range of the repeater. This keeps you from having to stick around to
help the guy get back out of town, later.

Step Fourteen: If an annoying station is bothering you, make sure your
other "LID" buddies have a "coded" frequency list. Even though "CODES"
are strictly forbidden on Amateur Radio, it's really neat to practice
"James Bond" tactics.

Step Fifteen: Always use the National Calling Frequency for general
conversations. The more uninteresting, the longer you should use it.
Extra points are awarded if you have recently move from an adjacent
frequency for no reason. Make sure when DX is "rolling" in on 52.525
that you hang out there and talk to your friends five miles down the
road about the good old CB days!

Step Sixteen: Make sure that if you have a personal problem with
someone, you should voice your opinion in a public forum, especially a
net. Make sure you give their name, call, and any other identifying
remarks. For maximum points, make sure the person in question is not on
the repeater, or not available.

Step Seventeen: Make sure you say the first few words of each
transmission twice, especially if it is the same thing each time. Like
"roger, roger" or "fine business, fine business". I cannot stress
enough about encouraging redundancy.

Step Eighteen: If you hear a conversation on a local repeater, break in
and ask how each station is receiving you. Of course they will only see
the signal of the repeater you are using, but it's that magic moment
when you can find a fellow "LID", and get the report. Extra points are
awarded if you are using a base station, and the repeater is less than
twenty-five air miles from you.

Step Nineteen: Use the repeater for an hour or two at a time,
preventing others from using it. Better yet, do it on a daily basis.
Your quest is to make people so sick of hearing your voice every time
they turn on their radio, they'll move to another frequency. This way
you'll lighten the load on the repeater, leaving even more time for you
to talk on it.

Step Twenty: See just how much flutter you can generate by operating at
handheld power levels too far away from the repeater. Engage people in
conversations when you know they wont be able to copy half of what your
saying. Even when they say your uncopyable, continue to string them
along by making further transmissions. See just how frustrated you can
make the other amateur before he finally signs off in disgust.

Step Twenty One: Use lots of radio jargon. After all, it makes you feel
important using words ordinary people don't say. Who cares if it makes
you sound like you just fell off Channel 19 on the citizen's Band? Use
phrases such as "Roger on that", "10-4", "I'm on the side", "Your
making the trip" and "Negatory on that".

Step Twenty Two: Use excessive microphone gain. See just how loud you
can make your audio. Make sure the audio gain is so high that other
amateurs can hear any bugs crawling on your floor. If mobile, make sure
the wind noise is loud enough that others have to strain to pick your
words out from all the racket.

Step Twenty Three: Start every transmission with the word "Roger" or
"QSL". Sure, you don't need to acknowledge that you received the other
transmission in full. After all, you would simply ask for a repeat if
you missed something. But consider it your gift to the other amateur to
give him solace every few seconds that his transmissions are being
received.

Step Twenty Four: When looking for a contact on a repeater, always say
your "listening" or "monitoring" multiple times. I've always found that
at least a half dozen times or so is good. Repeating your multiple
"listening" ID's every 10 to 15 seconds is even better. Those people
who didn't want to talk to you will eventually call you, hoping you'll
go away after you have finally made a contact.

Step Twenty Five: Always use a repeater, even if you can work the other
station easily on simplex ... especially if you can make the contact on
simplex. The coverage of the repeater you use should be inversely
proportional to your distance from the other station.

Step Twenty Six: When on repeaters using courtesy tones, you should
always say "over". Courtesy tones are designed to let everyone know
when you have unkeyed but don't let that stop you. Say "over", "back to
you" or "go ahead". It serves no useful purpose but don't worry, it's
still fun!

Step Twenty Seven: Use the repeater's autopatch for frivolous routine
calls... especially during morning or evening commute times. While
pulling into the neighborhood, call home to let them know you'll be
there in two minutes.... or, call your spouse to complain about the bad
day you had at work. After all, the club has "measured rate" service on
their phone line so they get charged for each autopatch call. Your
endeavor is to make so many patches in a year that you cost the club at
least $20 in phone bills. That way you'll feel you got your money's
worth for your dues!

Step Twenty Eight: Never say "My name is ....." It makes you sound
human. If at all possible, use one of the following phrases: a) "The
personal here is ..." b) "The handle here is..."

Step Twenty Nine: Use "73" and "88" incorrectly. Both are already
considered plural, but add a "s" to the end anyway. Say "73's" or
"88's". Who cares if it means "best regards" and "love and kisses."
Better yet, say "seventy thirds"! (By the way, seventy thirds equals
about 23.3).

Step Thirty: If the repeater is off the air for service, complain about
the fact that it was off the air as soon as it's turned back on. Act as
though your entire day has been ruined because the repeater wasn't
available when you wanted to use it. Even thought you have never paid a
penny to help out with the upkeep of it.