Hail Eris! On Mon, 21 Aug 2006 08:59:27 -0700, the messenjah did the
cha-cha, and screamed:
Lola Stonewall Riot wrote:
Hail Eris! On Thu, 17 Aug 2006 13:26:41 -0700, K.A. "Not Kevin Cannon"
Cannon wrote:
the messenjah wrote:
Bertha Kirk
XX XXXXXXXX XX
XXXXXX XXXX, XX
1-XXX-XXX-XX90

Here's her pic... Wow!!! You'd have to roll her in flour to find the
wet spot!!!

http://www.dragonhero.com/graphics/m...big-bertha.jpg

We(tinw) always knew you were filth, Lie-sot, but now we(tinw) know
you're outer filth (if we(tinw) didn't know already). You can't
possibly get enough prison time, if you get any at all.

Do you think your sig is long enough, ****wit?

You're right, it could be longer, couldn't it? There.

--
__________________________________________________ ______________________
All Hail Discordia! TM#5; Flonk Leader 2 & 11-1/9
The Ridiculously Long Scarf of Tom Baker

1. What is this newsgroup, alt.usenet.kooks (AUK)?

A mass of electrons spread out upon bandwidth scattered across the globe
for the express purpose of separating the wheat from the chaff of the
net.

2. This is a joke, right? RIGHT?!!

No more a joke than the fact that ISPs let people on every day who have
nothing better to do than annoy their neighbors enough to win by popular
vote silly little awards created for just such buffoons as them.

3. What's this newsgroup for?

The newsgroup alt.usenet.kooks is for the discovery and discussion of
Kooks on Usenet and the Internet. These people are known technically as
net.kooks.

4. What's this newsgroup NOT for?

This group exists for recreational Kookology, not for Very Personal
Vendetta. It is not to be used for general harassment of someone, or for
net abuse such as spamming and flooding and cancelbombing in an attempt
to gain vengeance on someone or get the denizens of AUK to shut up.
Either way, it won't work, it's very messy, "Bob" will give you triple
your money back, and you don't get a life.

Also, we [tinw] are not in the business of harassing the vulnerable or
the insane. Occasionally an apparent net.kook proves to be genuinely
ill. In such cases the person is disqualified from winning awards and
other posters are asked to avoid exarcerbating his or her problems.
Similarly, trolling or kook-hunting in support groups is strongly
discouraged.

5. Who let this newsgroup in here, and why wasn't I notified?

That's what you get for hogging the Beer Fund.

(Here you can view the control message that started it all, from our
Mighty Founder MAC.)

http://www.netcabal.com/auk/cmsg.html

6. Who is a net.kook?

If you post uniquely strange, preferably incomprehensible articles, or
you manifest a persistent, extreme, and somewhat bizarre obsession, you
just might be a net.kook. And more.

It is important to note the subtle distinction between a net.kook, a
net.cretin, a clueless newbie, troll, or garden-variety @$$hole. The
newbie, one hopes, can acquire a clue on the installment plan even if he
can't afford to buy one for cash; the cretin is merely stupid and/or
irritating; the troll makes a fool out of himself by making a fool out
of you, the @$$hole is, well, simply that. But a TRUE net.kook has a
special fascination derived from his/her/its utter ineffability. Their
behavior is irrational, if not downright weird, but they are seldom
merely boring.

It is not considered appropriate to nominate clueless newbies, trolls,
or longwinded spambrains as net.kooks. It is acceptable to nominate
net.cretins, or simply to present them, without nomination, for whatever
minor amusement value they may have; but the real focus here is on
net.kooks in all their raging, indomitable glory.

Important Disclaimer: the fact that someone has been proclaimed a
net.kook does not imply any psychological diagnosis in and of itself. A
net.kook may or may not be clinically insane; that is not the concern of
the AUK audience.

We hope.

7. Can you show me a few examples?

I'd rather not, but it may help to clarify things... The person who
posted a handful of meaningless, ill-formed newgroup messages on May 21,
1994 was a Clueless Newbie. The person who hung around
alt.religion.kibology during April and May 1994, constantly posting
boilerplate "warning" messages telling people that ARK messages were
intentionally meaningless, was a net.cretin. The people who post
demented "scientific" theories, like Archimedes Plutonium's concept of
the universe being one giant atom of plutonium, and seem incorrigible to
criticism, are moderate net.kooks. The sort of being who constantly
raves about the conspiracy against her/him/it is an extreme net.kook,
especially if he/she/it automatically assumes that anyone who questions
their world-view is an agent of the conspirators or is an ultra
right-wing/left-wing extremist, and hides behind an anonymous remailer
to avoid "persecution" even though they would get one hell of a lot less
of it by not posting at all.

8. How do I present a Kook on this group?

The preferred technique is to get the suspected Kook to start posting to
AUK so that we can all see him/her/it in all their first-hand Glory. You
can do this by posting followups to the suspect's weirder messages, with
your followups nonchalantly crossposted to AUK. If the suspect responds
to your messages without editing the Newsgroups line, you've achieved
your goal.

Another acceptable method is to repost, complete and unedited, one or
two of the suspected Kook's recent rants. If you do this, please provide
a brief intro in the header describing what the hell you're doing, such
as indicating who this person is, what group you found the message on,
or why you think the rest of us should give a rat's @$$ about it.

You should be aware that if you try this with some perfectly reasonable
posting, you may be flamed to net.hell and back and probably suspected
of being a net.loon yourself. It is also considered extremely lame to
nominate someone as a Kook simply because you have lost, or at least
failed to win, a debate with them; persistently doing so is likely to
get you nominated for Kook Awards. That someone fails to perceive the
self-evident, unassailable wisdom of your viewpoint does not, in and of
itself, constitute Kookery.

9. What are the Kook Awards?

The newsgroup alt.usenet.kooks offers a variety of widely-recognized and
highly dubious honors for your service, applying to net.kooks
everywhere. They recognize several kinds and many levels of net.kookery.

Here is a detailed list of AUK awards and descriptions.

http://www.netcabal.com/auk/awards.html

10. Who the FSCK appointed YOU net.kookologist/god/nazi etc.

Nobody. We have a Gift.

11. Are there any holidays in AUK?

Why yes, there sure a

March 30th - CALL to ARMMs

Commemorating the earliest most virulent Kook post flood of Usenet, and
the great flamewar that followed in its wake.

June 26th - KOOKS DAY

Named in commemoration of Earl Curley checking into the Motel Deep 6 to
serve a major in the pine penalty box, the same date as Edmond Wollmann
got arrested riding the San Clemente railway...on his motorcycle.

August 15th - DEAD DOC TAVISH DAY

Named in honor of the death of one of Usenet's most famed identities due
to excessive Usenet exposure; his virtual corpse is buried in a rural
cemetery near New Bremen, Texas

September 10th - KAZOO DAY

This holiday commemorates Raymond Ronald "Kazoo" Karczewski's conviction
for seven felonies. May Raymold be a warning to all kooks who are
tempted to think that a "Sovereign Christ" is above the law.

December 20th - AUK BIRTHDAY

The anniversary of the newgrouping of alt.usenet.kooks

12. What should I do if I'm paged on the Red Courtesy Telephone?

Give the caller Gandalf the Gray's speech to the demon. Verbatim.

13. Is alt.usenet.kooks archived anywhere?

Why would you even *want* to know? [But if you truly must know, GIYF.
You masochist, you.]

14. What should we do about the book?

Burn it.

15. Where can I find out more about net.kooks?

Several mini-FAQs on classic kooks of the past and present (along with
several non-kooky legendary netters) are available on the World Wide Web
in various archives. Be sure to set aside coffee and cats before
reading. [Try insurgent.org/kook-faq/]

16. What are the AUK Offices?

As well as the kook awards, kooks may compete to hold office for a month
or longer. Nominations are made in exactly the same way as for awards;
the difference is that the previous holder of the office always appears
on the ballot paper when a new candidate emerges, and the winner remains
in office until challenged again. At present, the offices are as
follows.

Darth Bawl -

This office is held by Usenet's biggest crybaby.

Village Idiot -

The name says it all.

Kooki Information Minister -

Named in honour of Iraq's Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, this office is held
by the kook whose claims are most noticeably at variance with known
facts.

Ministry of Circle Jerks -

Although many kooks are lone wolves, a few like to make friends with
those who are as delusional as themselves. This office rewards the
slurpfests that often ensue.

17. Are there any net.kook awards outside of AUK?

At various points of time there have been several, from the Christian
groups' Steebie Award to alt.fan.art-bell's Angstrom Medal. At least two
newsgroups, talk.politics.guns and comp.systems.mac.advocacy, have given
out their own Kook of the Month awards. Check around from time to time
to see what other net.kook awards might be around. [alt.atheism does
them, too.]

18. What is the Cabal?

From the beginning of Usenet time, there has been but one force capable
of holding it in check to remain in the realm of mortal existence. For
today's Usenet world you need a Giant. A Behemoth. A Cabal of IMMENSE
PROPORTIONS. A REALLY *BIG* *CABAL* to offer all news ORDER.

Within this force is the most ruthless and efficient organization on all
Usenet, known as the Cabal Obsidian Order (COO). If *YOU* wish to know
of this entity, read, learn, and do as you will.

SEE THE LIGHT OF COLLECTIVE WISDOM!!!

A. I *SAID*, what is the CABAL?

There Is No Cabal. Long Live The Cabal.

B. How does the Cabal function??

As well as any apocryphal organization can hope to function.

C. What are the weaknesses of the Cabal?

chortle What weaknesses?

D. What is the hierarchy and power structure of the Cabal?

Oh, you don't need to know that. Really. You can trust us, especially
when it comes to information you haven't paid for.

E. What is the Cabal Obsidian Order?

The Cabal Obsidian Order (COO) is a profoundly secret collective of
operatives designed to outrun, outgun and Eliminate the most vile scum
and villainy the net has to offer.

F. How do I know if the COO is responsible for something?

If the COO's operatives are doing their job correctly, they'll be
laughing at whoever is actually responsible.

G. Who are the leaders of the COO?

Leaders? Where we function we don't need Leaders.

H. What is the Beer Fund?

The more you contribute to it, the more we will tell you.

I. How may I apply to become an operative of the COO?

Pitiful begging at the Vote Wrangler's feet might help. Then again it
might not.

19. Who is the FNVW?

Why, our highly esteemed Friendly Neighbourhood Vote Wrangler (FNVW),
whose benevolent supreme dictatorship runs the electoral wheels of our
great realm. Seven fearless folk have served, with distinction:

AUK VOTE WRANGLERS

Craig Dickson (1994-1995)
Matthew Legare (1995-1997)
Killfile Daemons (1997)
Robbie Honerkamp (1997-1998)
Phoenix (1997-2004)
Peter J Ross (2004-2006)
Sean Monaghan (2006-Present)

On retirement, Phoenix accepted the high office of Friendly Neighborhood
"Bob"father.

20. Do I have what it takes to BE a Vote Wrangler?

chortle If you have to ask, you don't have what it takes.

21. Who do you %$#@!s think you are to oppose ME, Lord High Poster-Child
of the Macrocosmic Universe?

We are the ones who can and will humiliate your @$$ if you use our group
as your personal **** bowl. You are a freak of the universe. You do not
give the orders here. And whether you like it or not, the universe is
laughing behind your back.

22. That was MEAN, just plain MEAN!!!

Payback's a bitch, ain't it?

23. Should I expect ONE CONSISTENT response to my rude and obnoxious
online behavior from the denizens of AUK?

Absolutely NOT.

24. To whom should I complain if I think I have been treated unfairly?

Darth Vader
You think you have been treated unfairly? /Darth Vader

25. What kind of response can I expect as a result of my stupid online
behavior at AUK?

Guilty party receives one or a combination thereof of the following
assorted reactions (not at all limited to these, mind you):

1. Complete silence while we blow you off
2. Complete silence while we reload
3. Complete silence while we pull the plug on your account
4. Complete silence while we sleep at the switch
5. Complete silence while we sleep in our beds
6. Complete silence while we laugh behind your back
7. Complete silence while we wipe the splattered food and/or drinks off
our screens
8. Complete silence while we contemplate the known macrocosmic universe
9. Complete silence while the Vote Wrangler pays good money to watch
professional Denver teams find new ways to lose
10. Complete silence while we bask in the pure glow of our obnoxiously
self-righteous selves
11. Complete silence while we play high-stakes poker with Snoopy, Spike,
Andy, Olaf, Marbles and Woodstock
12. Complete silence while we never notice your NoCeM'd post
13. Complete silence while we never notice your spam-canceled post
14. Complete silence while we run your rude and obnoxious posts through
goofyizers for reposting
15. Complete silence while the Trekkies among us watch the USS Defiant
blast bad guys' ships into rubble and fly through the debris with that
nice halo of sparks effect
16. Complete silence while we wait for our Gates-sponsored software
systems to uncrash themselves
17. General laughter at your expense
18. General laughter and pointing at your expense
19. General laughter, pointing and personal insults at your expense
20. Someone exposes your true service provider to the Rabble
21. Someone does any of 1-20 and reports you to your state's Attorney
General
22. Someone does any of 1-21 and reports you to the FBI National
Computer Crime Squad )
23. Someone does any of 1-22 and does highly amusing parodies of you
during the entire process
24. Talk amongst ourselves about life, love and why they sell 8-hot-dog
weenie sets with 10-bun packages
25. Sounds of awe as we wonder with dropped mouths how you were able to
make a greater fool of yourself than you already had
26. Sounds of astonishment as we MARVEL at the FREAK
27. Flames in your generally specific direction
28. Flames of you in the third, fourth and fifth person
29. Flames from the Vote Wrangler from the other side of the Galactic
Killfile just to annoy all hell out of you
30. Nominations for many noteworthy Kook awards

26. Can I really be kicked off my ISP for...

Being a total @$$hole?

If you try hard enough.

Top-posting like the pathetic imbecile that I am?

Usually not, but we can always try.

Forging someone else's valid e-mail address?

Absolutely.

Posting multiple copies of the same message to individual news groups
(Excessive Multi Posting [EMP])?

Of course. It's the SPAMMING, stupid.

27. Can I really be thrown in jail for posting threatening messages?

Yes. People have been tried and convicted for sending threatening or
harassing Email or Usenet posts. We do NOT support censorship of the
Internet; however, posting a message stating you are going to cause
virtual or unvirtual harm to someone will probably gain you a visit from
your Friendly Neighborhood FBI Agent.

28. Fine. I'll just remain anonymous. That'll work, right?

BWWAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try it, pinkboy. An anon remailer service can be forced to turn you in
for copyright violation, harassment, stalking; you name the crime -
they've got the time. If you ran an anon remailer service what would be
the point of protecting flagrant abusers of the net and the Law??

29. Okay, then I'll bust your #$%&$*!! @$$ off AUK instead!

Uh... yeah. Many denizens of AUK are abuse admins, know abuse admins,
sleep with abuse admins, or otherwise have years of experience dealing
with and educating others about precisely your kind of dubiosity. A good
account is a terrible thing to waste, so don't sacrifice yours on our
altar.

30. I just realized I am a Maroon. How can I improve my standing in the
eyes of the Internet, my balloon doll, and, most importantly, "Bob"?

REPENT. The End is always near.